In Neil Anderson’s The Steps To Freedom, he writes “Fear is a God-given natural response when our physical or psychological safety is threatened. Courage is not the absence of fear, but it is living by faith and doing what is right in face of the illegitimate fear objects. The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom and the only fear that can overcome all fears.”
I was born with the central vision in my left eye compromised so technically I am blind in my left eye. I struggled with wetting the bed, and sucking my thumb. My dad walked away from the ministry when I was two, my mom was my rock, as my dad turned to alcohol to numb his pain. My mom turned to loving my brother and me as my dad struggled with his demons. As a family our world was rocked, my mom struggled with illness, my world was full of insecurity.
My left eye I have peripheral vision so the eye naturally turns out, because I have peripheral vision, I have a full field of vision. I am a miracle because what normally happened in my left eye before birth usually affects both eyes but God gave me my right eye. However, I was teased as a child, ‘crossed baboon’, never chosen to be on baseball teams until last and then I always got the last out. No one told me it was because of my lack of depth perception that I was not good at sports. I can hear the children chanting. Oh the shame I felt.
As a little girl, I wet the bed, I can still feel the shame of the first time I spent a night at a girlfriend’s house and wet the bed, I can still hear me telling the girl’s mom that the dog must have wet the bed. So I developed the mechanism of not telling the truth to hide my shame. I did finally did grow out of wetting the bed but the shame was still there.
My thumb was my comfort. Oh I was politically correct and only sucked my thumb in the privacy of my room. I learned that quickly. Once again I felt shame when caught, or told that only babies, suck their thumb.
My dad was gone a lot and he worked as a police officer, he drove trucks, to support his family, he sang and played the guitar but he drank. There were arguments. My mom prayed for him to return to the Lord. I was raised with alcoholism, my mother escaped by over-loving us kids, she was ill much of my life, and she watched day time television “soap operas”.
My maternal grandmother and mom are responsible for my love of God. Oh how we prayed for my dad. They prayed daily for fifteen years for my dad. Our prayers were answered when I was a senior in high school. My dad almost died and he saw Jesus and Jesus told him he was giving him another chance to do what he was gifted to do and that was to preach the good news.
As delighted as we were, my dad returning to the Lord had consequences for me. I was uprooted from my church and we went to a different church so he could preach. Everything I had been doing was now questioned, like going to a school dance. I was convinced that I was in love and married right out of high school. A year into the marriage my husband and I began to have problems. There have been serious struggles over many years. I made some poor choices and some good choices. Today I love my husband because God has given me a love for him but there was hate at one time. There is victory when one walks in forgiveness.
Shame and pain has framed my life, but courage from God is what I seek on a daily basis. I can do all things through Jesus who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13. Blessings. Diana